won't you lay hands on me
by acronymed
Summary: Teen Wolf!AU. "But nooooo I had to find a freaking bestiary— not bestiality, don't even, I already went through this with Stefan— because there is a werelizard running around killing people, like that is a thing that happens in my life now, and I am kind of freaking out, okay?" — Klaus/Caroline, Damon/Caroline, Stefan.


**notes** | i don't know if anyone's figured it out yet but _teen wolf _has taken over my life

coming soon: the _teen wolf _gang are in TVD verse. stefan the werewolf has to play football against scott the woobie vampire. stiles and caroline meet and lament over their best friends together. derek and klaus are not impressed and glower from beneath bleachers. chaos ensues.

i'm so sorry

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_Got a curse I cannot lift_

_Shines when the sunset shifts _

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Caroline has been in love with Stefan's older brother since she was like, eight. Maybe nine. Probably ten. _Whatever._

Seriously, though, it's been a while, and she would be ashamed of all the pining except she started liking him around the same time she became a neurotic control freak with a lot of self-esteem issues and she's still all those things, so the feelings just kind of stuck.

She never said it was a _healthy _love, okay. Damon is kind of a dick. Actually, he's a d-bag. _Actually, _he's probably Satan, only Satan is more than likely not prone to bouts of stupidity so great she sometimes wonders if his brain isn't full of rusty spoons or something. Paperclips. _Thumbtacks. _

No, wait, thumbtacks were totally Stefan's thing, because Stefan just got straight up _dumbass _whenever Elena was involved. Caroline thinks she may or may not need new friends. Her life.

Okay, so, moral of the story, a) she's crazy about Damon in terrible, unhealthy ways, b) he's an idiot-douche and c) Stefan is very awkward about it.

Very awkward.

"So," he says slowly, while Caroline systematically picks his curly fires off his lunch tray one by one. "Damon called today."

Caroline pauses, frowning. "Did he say anything about me?"

Stefan coughs and takes a long pull from his juice (_juice box, _she corrects, twitching, when he is a freaking _werewolf, _she can't even right now) before muttering, "no."

She pretends she isn't crushed. "This conversation is useless, then."

She goes back to his curly fries with a renewed vigour, because she's a cheerleader and she's been to boot camp every summer since she was ten and she has done more suicides than a _linebacker _so she will eat whatever she damn well pleases, 'kay thanks. Stefan looks unnecessarily depressed, especially given what he says next: "He said he took the semester off to come visit."

Caroline lights up. "How long is a semester?"

"Four months." Stefan doesn't need to look so pained when he is obviously a precious angel she needs to shower with joy and gratitude and sexy pictures of Elena.

"You are my very best friend," she says solemnly, pushing her plate of carefully stolen fries back towards him, "and I often spend weeks at a time staying over at your house if anyone asks." After a beat where Stefan's eyebrows level out into his sulky 'everything hurts' look, she adds, "I have pictures of Elena in her cheerleading outfit."

"I think I hate everything," Stefan says around a mouthful of pudding.

"Doing _the splits_."

Stefan's mouth spasms into something either tragically ashamed (only Stefan could feel guilty over something like this, this is a fact) or tragically aroused. For the sake of her everything, Caroline pretends it's the first one.

She pats him on the shoulder. "Do you think May is a good month to get married in?"

Stefan 'accidentally' stabs himself with his fork.

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So Damon spends most (read: all) of the time either snarking at people, ignoring her, insulting her, or doing some weird combination of both.

Caroline thinks she is probably a masochist. And that she has issues.

"You are _useless," _Damon huffs, stomping away from the canvas. "A dog in a tutu? _Seriously? _Can you at least pretend to have a brain?"

"Sorry, it's seems I left it wherever you managed to lose your personality,_" _she hisses, right before she remembers _goddamit, I'm not supposed to say that _and stomps into the kitchen, away from Elena and Stefan's soul-searching-epic-love-teamwork that has them kicking everyone else's ass at charades.

Damon sneers at her. Because he is a sparkling, shining example of everything that is wrong with humanity.

She has so many issues.

And of course Klaus is just hanging out by her counter. Of course. Because this is her life and it can never be okay to just hang out with her best friend and his girlfriend and her future husband-slash-sex-slave-slash-abusive-relationship. No, she can't have that.

She has to have _dimples._

"Why," she starts, scrubbing a hand over her face tiredly, "why are you _here, _in my kitchen of all places, _now._ God, do you even use doors, or is there like, some weird phobia going on here that I don't know about?"

Klaus is expressionless, for once. Usually, he's emoting at her in the creepiest way possible with just his eyebrows and that slight quirk of his lips _which she does not pay attention to, nope._ She stares pointedly at the open window behind him and sighs, "you are a moron."

"Are you quoting Damon?" he asks tartly, and she realizes he's clenching his hands into the fabric of his shirt, hard enough it's starting to tear where his nails press against his biceps. "Because I'm sure he's said far worse tonight."

"Oh my God," she blinks, "how long have you _been _here?_"_

He shrugs, and then he's crowding her up against her fridge. It's almost comforting, how normal it is. Except not. "Why do you let him speak to you like that?"

"Same reason I'm not screaming about stranger danger right now," she mutters, flattening herself against the fridge as best she can. Klaus just leans closer, _the bastard, _until their hips line up. "I _clearly _suffer from some kind of mental disorder."

His head tips, and there's something hard at the edge of his mouth. "You realize I can tell when you're lying, sweetheart."

"You realize _I don't really care, _right?"

"That was also a lie." And he looks smug. Still angry, but smug. Dammit.

"Okay, seriously," she shoves at him, then immediately regrets it because apparently he is made of rock and marble and stone and other things that are hard and _oh god what is that against her thigh that is not okay she did not say yes to this_— "OH MY GOD."

Klaus' lips are curved up, all entertained and smiling like she is the funniest thing ever and Caroline is actually pretty sure she's having a heart attack. "I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack. Please get off. _Oh my god _but not like that— I meant get away from me— not the sex thing— oh my god you need to _leave_—"

"Do I fluster you, Caroline?"

"Is that synonymous with infuriate, terrify or nauseate?" He grins at her, feral, and drags his shiny, pointy teeth across her pulse point in one slow motion. "All of the above it is. I hope you know, I have a rape whistle and pepper spray and a mom with a gun."

Klaus nips at her throat. "None of which are currently present."

Then Stefan chooses to walk in, _finally,_ scowling. "What the hell?"

"You _only _just heard this _now?" _Caroline shrills, with Klaus nosing the underside of her jaw gently, like this is just something they do every day and it really isn't. "You are the worst werewolf in the history of the universe, Stefan. Just the worst."

Stefan has the good sense to look guilty.

Damon just looks confused when he comes up behind him.

_Her life._

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"He's my creepy ex-boyfriend who I totally have a restraining order against for stalking who picks the locks on all the entryways into my house— windows included because he thinks he's Spiderman or something, I don't even know anymore— and then loiters in the darkest corners of my room and kitchen to give me heart attacks because, like, apparently shaving years off my life gives him sick satisfaction. Also, he occasionally tries to have sex with me. But it never works. I just have very thin arms so I can't really push him off and that's why I have a rape whistle. You missed a lot."

This is the story she tells Damon.

She is sticking with it, no matter how hard Stefan laughs.

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So between trying to seduce Damon, preventing him from developing a creepy, borderline-obsessive fixation with Elena (seriously, what is _up _with this girl, even Matt Donavan was giving her the side-eye and he's been out and proud since he was like, _five), _chaining Stefan up every full moon so he doesn't devour small children in red hoodies (March was a very bad month, okay) and developing a heart condition whenever Klaus appears in her house to _scare the hell out of her, _a lizard-person appears.

A werelizard.

Yeah. She knows.

"It has some kind of paralyzing toxin," Stefan says, all broody-eyebrows and thin lips. Caroline thinks she might be over her entire life now? She's at least over this year. "And scales."

He looks at her expectantly from her bed. Klaus does too, from her windowsill. She fixes them both with her flattest stare and gestures theatrically towards her laptop. "Google away, cavemen. I'm taking a shower."

When she comes back, neither of them have moved.

"How are either of you considered fully functioning human beings," she says, towelling her hair and ignoring the full-on leer Klaus is giving her. "Oh, sorry, I meant werewolves. Werebeings. Dumbasses."

"It has a tail, if that helps," Stefan says, almost phrasing it like a question, but not quite. He sounds apologetic. Caroline still kicks him in the shin.

It doesn't help at all, but this actually surprises no one.

_._

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_._

Vicky Donovan used to pop pills in the school bathroom between periods sometimes and she— well— okay, she _looked_ like it would be something she'd do.

So when she comes to school looking like a solid twelve on a scale of one-to-ten in a leather skirt with her hair all mussed up and red lips, Caroline is immediately suspicious. Partly because Damon gives her a long, lingering once over after school which is actually horrifying because he is like _six years _older than them and it's actually _illegal _in most countries except for like Canada because apparently Canada is kind of great.

Also, she climbs into Klaus' car after hilariously taking one bite out of some poor freshman's apple and basically ruining everyone's lives. So, there's that.

Klaus gives her a saucy wink. Stefan gapes, openly, and actually might be going into shock. Caroline rolls her eyes, quietly doing the math and then calmly _freaking out_ when she realizes she might only be in the top five for hot girls at Mystic High now— how is she going to compete with _a leather skirt_, _ohmygod_— and closes his mouth for him.

"Klaus is bad touching all the insecure teenagers in Mystic Falls," she says blankly, when they pile into Damon's car, because she is a good person and Stefan looks like he might hurt himself trying to think, and they need to speak in code because Damon can never know anything, even if this sounds terrible. "You should probably do something about that."

Damon smirks at her, but it's a little confused. "I'm guessing you're next, then?"

_Seriously, _why does she even _like _this guy?

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So, before the werelizard ever appeared, Elena's uncle John came to town and decided to avenge his daughter Katherine who Mikael may or may not have brutally murdered.

This is why Caroline sneaking into his office to find a _bestiary _of all things is probably considered certifiably insane. Especially since, according to Stefan, not three days ago John _bisected _a homeless werewolf with a _sword _and declared _war._

She's speed walking across the parking lot in her cheer uniform, smiling tightly at anyone who notices her, when she sees Damon sitting in his car, frowning at the steering wheel.

"My life," she says in dismay, staring at the keys to John's office— because, _oh yeah, _he was totally their _principle _now, she is so done with Mystic Falls, ugh— and then looking back at Damon. "_Seriously?_"

Damon rubs at his eye with a knuckle when she taps on the window. "Oh, god, it's you."

"Please," she deadpans, "try and contain your excitement."

This, for some reason, is charming? Because he like, rolls down the window. She is _awesome. _"What do you want, Barbie?"

"It's getting really hard to pretend that's endearing," she mutters, before shrugging. "I was just going to ask why you're lurking in a high school parking lot? Like a creep? Because you're kind of, you know, old?"

Damon goes to roll up the window again. Caroline presses her hand against the edge of the glass. "Wait, wait. Okay. Seriously. What's going on? You're just sitting here in shadow like somebody died."

He squints at her, tight lipped, and she remembers how pale he'd been in the hospital after Mikael had mauled him on the football field. She remembers all the blood, and the stitches afterwards, and the scars he has running across his ribs. He exhales. "You're going to think I'm insane."

"I already think that," she points out, smiling a little, "and I'm a neurotic control-freak on crack, remember? Your crazy has nothing on mine."

The corner of Damon's mouth kicks up, and he nods to himself, and then just as he opens his mouth her phone goes off because _of course, _and she stares at it mutinously as it buzzes.

After a long silence, Damon raises his eyebrows, his expression hard and smug again, a lot like Tyler's usual rage-douche face, and drawls, "are you going to answer that?"

_Motherfuc_— she flips open her phone and tries not to get upset when Damon starts his car and pulls away without even a wave. "This better be _life threatening._"

"It's at the pool," Klaus says, breathing heavily into the mouthpiece, "and it just attacked Victoria."

Caroline doesn't think, just sprints towards the gym, and says, "Her name is _Vicky. _God, you are _so British."_

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Being trapped in a pool with Klaus is not high on her list of Things-To-Do-Ever. And by high, she means: _non-existent._

"Me and Damon were _this close _to actually having, like, a civil conversation. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for that? But _nooooo _I had to find a freaking _bestiary_— not bestiality, don't even, I already went through this with Stefan okay— because there is a _werelizard _running around killing people, like that is a thing that happens in my life now, and then you call me because Slutty McSkank's-A-Lot over there, who is so useful by the way, got herself knocked out, good job team, and now I am trapped in a goddamn pool with you and Stefan is probably having sex because he is _the worst _and I am kind of freaking out, okay?!"

"Caroline," Klaus says patiently, like she isn't hyperventilating in his ear while a _lizard _circles them in the pool, "darling, I am paralyzed from the neck down in eight feet of water."

"Ah," Caroline says, after a beat, "right."

Worst pep rally _ever. _

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Caroline may or may not take a little more time than necessary dragging Klaus up from the bottom of the pool after she drops him to try and call Stefan. Who'd answered and then promptly hung up on her like she wasn't _in mortal peril _because _um, hello, LIZARD-BEAST._

Klaus narrows his eyes at her after he's spit up enough water. She smiles back sweetly and grits her teeth when he breathes damply against her cheek totally on purpose for another twenty minutes.

When Stefan finally shows up, she feels nothing but pure joy.

Actually, she feels nothing, because her arms a numb from holding up almost two-hundred pounds of muscle and accent for nearly three hours. Said accent is currently straightening himself out and offering her a hand while Stefan deals with the Creature Feature across the pool.

"You can move," she says flatly, staring at his hand like it'd greatly offended her. _Which it had. _"_Why can you move_."

Klaus grins charmingly, as if she isn't about to eviscerate him with the cleaning net. "Werewolf healing, love."

"HOURS," she snarls, and Klaus dances away smirking, of all things, when she jumps to her feet and lunges for him. His fingers brush the inside of her wrist. "I am going to _kill you."_

Stefan hesitantly touches her shoulder as the lizard breaks through the ceiling window like something out of a bad superhero movie. She whirls on him, because he's closer. "_You."_

"Have fun with her, mate," Klaus says cheerfully, as Stefan tries to avoid her grabbing hands and fails, "I know I did."

"YOU ARE A TERRIBLE ALPHA," Caroline shrieks, purposely plastering herself against Stefan and soaking his shirt. He better never hang up on her ever again, especially in the middle of a damn _crisis. _Klaus wiggles his fingers at her as he saunters away, like he didn't just pretend to be paralyzed for god knows how long so she'd touch him, which is actually probably the creepiest thing that's ever happened. He's dragging Vicky's unconscious body across the floor— laughing, _laughing, _god he is a _maniac_— towards the door when she adds, "I CAN'T EVEN WITH YOUR LIFE CHOICES RIGHT NOW."

He smiles over his shoulder at her. She hugs Stefan harder and asks how Damon's doing.

"Dammit, Caroline—"

"You hung up on me," she says darkly, digging her nails into the skin between Stefan's ribs. "I was trapped in a pool with Klaus and Godzilla for _three hours _while you were getting your sexy on, you _ass._"

There's a long, awkward pause where Stefan stares at the ceiling and Caroline burrows deeper into him, the pointy part of her chin pressing against his chest. Then, gravely, he mutters, "mistakes were made."

"You owe me a new pair of shoes," she sniffs, "and your brother."

They both pretend they can't hear Klaus destroying something in the parking lot.


End file.
